so...

i've discovered the secret to the world.

i've just had one of my top five life experiences. I know i'm only twenty, i'm young, stupid, and my pre-frontal cortex hasn't even developed all the way. what the fuck do i know about anything? but honestly this night has just inspired me so much. 

the night started out as many a night before it has. I got off of work and was looking to just get fucked up. i wanted to just forget about everything man. i've been so so so so so so so so stressed with just everything (almost ;).

so i went back to the dorm, convinced brad to go out with me, and headed over to jens. we chilled there with kashi and abby, drank a little bit, but we were waiting for my friend jables to finish up what he was doing so we could meet up and go to this highlighter party. 

we end up at this party, socialize with some new friends, and then we head over to amandas for some "relaxation."

we go to her attic, which is awesome. it's just such a chill place to hang out at. i mean the place is set up so that this kind of epicness is bound to ensue. it starts out a little busy and crazy, brad and i and our friends are singing a god damned margot song, but then some people thin out. head home. bed time has been called for those not chosen for this once in a lifetime experience.

but anyways the group now has become myself, jables, christina, justin, scales, britt, mike, and some guy i can't remember his name for the life of me :/

i've known justin and jables for awhile now, scales and britt i met a couple days prior, but for the rest of the group i met that fateful evening.

continuing on, justin had just ended a relationship and was looking for advice as for what to do. we all went around the room sharing our two cents and our life stories. 

that led to question after question posed by the group. 

it was just so fucking ridiculously awesome that 8 quasi-strangers could just sit down and spill their guts out and just shoot the shit back and forth for what seemed like a day. the time-expanding trick my brain played on me was not a defense mechanism to fight boredom, but was just the only way that my body could even comprehend trying to absorb everything that was happening.

as far as conversations i've had with friends (whether of the close, long-standing variety or of the new, freshly-picked friends) it was my second favorite.

my first was spent outside of ole stu west with a very special person.

So, back to my main point. i've discovered the secret to the world. 

sort of......

looking back at this experience, i feel so different. i have so many things going through my head right now.

if a group of kids can sit around and just get along so well just blathering on about stupid, bullshit, childish, pseudo-psychologic, egotistical relationship advice, why can't the rest of the world just relate to each other?

why can't the rest of the world just listen to everyones problems/advice/well wishes/criticisms , and just be okay with that?

why can we be okay with people on certain aspects of life, but we torture and murder them for another?

why can't the world just be okay with itself?

god, i'm having trouble even trying to come up with the right words to express all the things/ideas/feelings/emotions/people/thoughts just flying around, my head right now.

i'm going to put it this way. 

last night i saw a glimmer of world peace. even though it was the smallest, most insignificant speck of nothing. it was there none-the-less. it wasn't insignificant to me. it has forever changed my life. 

if you're reading this, first of all thank you for showing the courteousness to just check out what i'm up to.

secondly, i want you to do somethings for me...

get out there, i want each and everyone of you to have a similar experience.

also, just be kind. i know this is highly hypocritical coming from me, i know you all know what kind of person i am. i'm an asshole, i'll be the first to admit it. i realize this, i've been trying for so long to excrete every fiber of hate from my body, 

but i've been too weak to do it.

that's why i want you to. 

i want to see this change your lives if only in the smallest ways. i want you to not litter (even if it's just a gum wrapper). i want you to smile at complete strangers (even if only to make their day the tiniest bit brighter). i want you to not waste (even if it's easier to leave your phone charger plugged in all the time, or to leave your computer in sleep mode all night, or to just throw that pencil away because the little clip thing on the side of it broke off and it's harder to carry in your pocket). i want you to hug a friend if they seem down (even if they say no). i want you to not judge. people are people and just that, nothing more, nothing less, until you actually get to know them. guys, i want you to pick a flower and give it to a girl (just to see her smile). girls, i want you to write a guy a letter (just to let him know exactly how you feel for him {even if you're "just friends"}). i want you to complement someone you don't even know (just to maybe start a conversation).

i want you to love eachother, unconditionally.

but what the fuck do i know?

i'm just a kid.

don't listen to this.

just keep doing the same things you have been doing.

fuck it.

we'll just all have one hell of a going  away party when the world starts burning to the ground.

remember people, it has to start somewhere. whether we planting the seed for peace or whether we're lighting the match for war.

it's all got to start somewhere.

As of April

Dude, life is pretty good.

a lot has happened since i've actually sat down and thought about things. 

let's start with this summer:

shitty.

It started out pretty cool. I was living with my sister, which like sounds kinda gay, but it wasn't. That was when we were really close. Honestly she used to be my best friend. That's why i hate how everything has turned out. I hate it so much.

I was just livin on the couch for like $40 bucks a month, which was cool. I was able to get some money saved up, since i had been working a balls load at pizza king. I was with Ashley, things were okay, i guess...... I still cared about her but at this point i knew that we were about done.

But i digress.

Anyways, things were going well, and then the guy, Michael, that was living there in the spare room with my  sister and her fiancee, Tony, moved out. They offered me his room for $100 bucks for the rest of the summer. That was pretty chill. Things were going okay. Still workin, still savin money. I had my kitten there, so that was totally awesome. Then after a chain of events, michael, the guy who was living there previously, needed to move back. So he took the spot on the couch and i was allowed to remain in that room. Good still. 

The house was gross because no one ever cleaned. I did what i could, but it was really a losing battle. I mean four people living in a pretty small house with only one person cleaning can't really work out too well. I still got bitched at because things never got cleaned. whatever. like a month and a half before i move into the dorm.

Then one day my sister tells me that i owe her $400 for the cell phone bill. I didn't really understand. I had been giving her my part of the bill for the past however long it had been since we had been on the plan together. I asked to see the bill, but apparently that was just out of the question... she and her douche shit-fiancee just started flipping the shit out at me. They were saying how bad of a person i was for being such a dick to them after they let me stay there for so cheap.It wasn't even about the cell phone bill anymore. They were just throwing every little problem they had with me all at once. And there were three of them against the one of me. Being attacked like that with no one on your side sucks. bad. Like honestly i called my dad to see if he would come get me, cause i really didn't want to be there, and this was like 3 or 4 in the morning. I seriously cried about this, and i never fucking cry. It's a dumb way to deal with a problem. I just didn't know how to react to it all. Like i said before, my sister and i were like best friends. All of our lives, we were pretty much the only person that was consistently there for each other. like we fucking raised each other, ya know? are parents hardly gave a shit about us, but at least we had each other. i just still don't understand how she just threw that all away so hastily. without even giving it a second thought. I still love her, i never won't love her. I'm just so so hurt by it all. 

Whatever.

i pay the bill.

It takes up pretty much all of the money i had been saving up. i can't buy a car now before school like i had planned to.

whatever. i just go to work. come home. go to my room. maybe have ashley over. but more often than not, just sit in my room all night. Music and booze is what i did. Say Anything was what got me through this summer to be completely honest. That and Damien Rice. And a little Death Cab never hurt. 

So then comes the day i'm to move out. I never really told my sister when i was going to. I get all my shit packed. Ashley Comes over to help me. We load up the first of the shit, and then i go to get my cat. My sister fucking loses it again. She says since i never paid for litter or food , and that she's gonna keep the cat. just ridiculous shit man. i raised that cat like a baby. It slept on me and woke me up in the middle of the night when it needed to be fed or to go to the bathroom. not to be gay or anything, but like we have a bond, you know? She was pretty much my only friend for the whole summer. The only thing that was excited to see me when i got home from work. the only thing in the house that mildly cared for me. SO anyways i get my cat and get the fuck out of there. I take kitten back to my parents house and take the rest of my shit to my dorm. I get back to my sisters and the rest of my stuff is lovingly thrown all over the front yard. cool.

at least it's over. fuck it.

So now begins fall.

Dude i was just so excited to be in the dorms. i like kinda knew brad, but i didn't realize we we're gonna be best friends. I was excited for school to start. I was just in a good mood.

the only thing that wasn't so good was the ole relationship. 

that went to hell pretty quickly. 

we were always pretty different. she wanted to get married young and have kids young. i didn't want anyfuckingpart of that. she was very uptight. i've always been pretty laid back. the saying goes opposites attract, right? ugh. i was just done with being with her at this point. which i still feel like shit about. she was a little controlling, jealous, and angry, but i just thought that's how girls were. she really, really helped me through a lot of tough patches over the past year and a half. and, i'm sure i did the same for her. i know i loved her, just not ever how she loved me. the only things we did together anymore was argue and have sex. i hate that about myself.

i hate that about myself.

i let a relationship boil down to nothing but meaningless fucking sex. 

i'm terrified that i'm just gonna do it again.

Our relationship used to be so awesome. For the most part. we were really close, but there were still plenty of differences. we just kept splitting and splitting. i still think that she is a great person, but she was never the right one for me. she will make some one very happy one day, but that person is never going to be me. i felt awful ending it, but i mean i had to. i was done, i wasn't happy. it was over. to make things worse she heard from god knows who, from what i understand it was my sister, that i had just been doing drugs all summer and cheating on her. i may have smoked some pot even tough she wanted me to not, but i never once cheated on her. i would never even think about doing that to someone. i wish we could still be friends, but i'm going to have to make the first move and i just don't know if i can do that.....

But, holy shit, me and brad. we we're both kinda unsure about each other before we moved in. Like we were kinda friends but like not really. And, as you all know, we're just best fucking friends forever. it's so gay it's retarded. so that'sr really awesome. really though brad if you end up reading this, i love you. like more than i love my family dawg.

So then, for more excitement, brad starts having chlz and kaela and the rest of the crew over more often. which i couldn't be happier about. i've met some really awesome people in the last handful of months, and i wouldn't have ever met them if it wasn't for how awesome brad is. meeting and getting to know most of brads friends and even the friends i've met through them was really good for me. it helped me find out who i really am. i had changed a lot from my old self while dating ashley, to make her happy. but, i never realized how unhappy that made me. i'm so grateful that i'm finally back to my old self again. i'm free-spirited, outgoing, i dress like i want to, i do what i want to, and most importantly i'm truly happy again. people have been telling me how much i've changed lately, but in reality, it's a change towards my former self.

brad, kaela, chlz, metal, teej, and skot; you guys are just my best  friends. i love you all very much. thanks for being here for me.

honestly, i'm just so thankful for all of the friends i've gained throughout the school year. thanks to everyone for being so great.

back to the story.

this is when i meet kaela. honestly, i've never felt the same connection between myself and another person that i do with her. from like the first time we met, i knew that there was something there. don't get me wrong. i didn't just throw ashley to the curb for something better. that was i sinking ship that i had abandoned long ago. but honestly though, the night that kaela and i just sat outside the dorm for like four hours and just smoked and talked about life was one of the top three best moments of my life. we started dating and things have just been awesome. too many good times. i don't know where i'd be without her. we just fit together so well. i still can't believe how easily we get on. we finally dropped the "l" word, which is pretty cool. it's different this time though. whenever i've said it in the past, it's just been like the next step in a relationship. it's just been words. but, this time i feel it when i say it. and when she says it it makes me actually feel better. it does suck with her being in indy and me in muncie without a car, but i'm not too worried about it. i mean i am, but it'll work out. dude, it's been like six months, that's pretty crazy. i'm just so lucky to have her, and i hope i don't fuck it up some how.

i love you kaela. very very much.

alright. where the shit am i?

 welp the fall semester ends. grades are okay. i change my major to ecology and tcomm, which i'm pretty excited about. that's going okay right now. the cold winter weather brought along with the snow the sudden end of "family" time. it's not really my business about why it happened, but i'm just gonna say that i miss it dearly. that's all i'm gonna say about that.

but, january was when brad, chlz, me, and kaela went on the awesome st. louis trip. that was ridiculously fun. way too many fun. slightly awkward, but more so fun. hopefully we do round to of that here pretty soon.

not much really happened during the winter. i did play more at the open mics. thank you to everyone that came out to support me. that really means a lot. hopefully once this summer rolls along i will be able to focus more on my music. my goal is to start playing shows by myself in like late june/early july, but i'm sure i'll keep putting it off.

i put too many things off as it is. i know i'm young, but i'm not thaaaaat young.....

so i guess that just brings things to the present, more or less.

things have been good for the most part. money sucks, but that;s my own fault. god damned lip ring.

 at least i look like a total bad ass though.

i'm really excited for school to be over. i'm passing all my classes as of now, and i'm pretty sure i'm going to pass all of them at the end of the semester. score.

i get to move into our apartment at the beginning of next month, which is FUCKING AWESOME. i couldn't be more excited.

Thank you for reading this whole fucking thing if you did! it's balls long, but i just needed to take some time to reflect on things. this did help me out a lot. i feel better. 

i'm excited to spend time with all of you this summer. it's going to be awesome. 

love, love

peter